Can you feel/see and know the depth of HONESTY? Really? Promise? Honestly? Cross-your-heart and Hope to Die?

This 4'x4' painting is entitled "Breezy"...I finished the painting a few months ago...then hung it on a not-so-centermost wall in my gallery/sala/studio and I kept sneaking looks at it, to see if "Breezy" and I agreed with one another about her virtues and my ability to capture her spirit by using paint...I wasn't that crazy about "Breezy" when I first finished making her into what I insisted and demanded she MUST turn out "to be"...but there *was* a less complicated and surprisingly innocent quality about her that I appreciated and wanted to identify with personally. That is, I started to appreciate while in the process of paying attention to the depth of her colorful, compelling and enthusiastic personality.

My friend, Breezy, is honest, really honest and loaded with natural integrity as it turns out...I'd like to think that I will be much like Breezy one day...that is, if I keep sneaking looks at my innermost self.

Meanwhile:

Being introduced to Governor Palin on TV upset me. I wasn't prepared to find her as offensive and dangerous as I think she has the potential to "be"...sloppy and freewheeling dangerous in a society/world where she may be allowed to run wildly around spewing her stuff in the land of selfrighteousness, greed, prejudice, hate and sparkly toothed obessions with me, me, me!

I can watch/listen and read about Sarah Palin and see/hear alot of striving, overpleasing, manipulative juggling for acceptance/validation that once made up a very large portion of a less healthy me, me, me. The kind of innermost selfishness that compelled me to get, get, get while PRETENDING to many of you that I was considerate, sweet, selfless, well adjusted and charming you/me with a voice filled with humility (that was the hardest part of the demoralizing fakery).

I gave it up when I discovered the depth and unwholesomeness of my selfishness and my, very embarrassing, delusions of grandeur (besides I was harming my REAL, and more healthy/appealing, self)...no more fake for me! Stark, in the mirror, in my face, stark viewing of reality...no more overly wishful PRETEND or clammouring for FAME and GAIN. No more fakery, no matter the cost/loss or risk. By putting my TRUST entirely in God I was/am willing to take the challenge to simply "be" a emotionally and spiritually more healthy version of me. Whew! I became "willing" to accept the person that God created me to be and STOP the reengineering/rejecting of reality so it will better "suit" me and take my innermost fears aways from me,me,me! The kind of "faking it" that encouraged me to manipulate the world around me, to suit me, didn't work out all that well as it turns out (for myself and those around me)...I had to abandon my quest for personal success and dishonesty to become more like "Breezy."

Thanks be to God

photo/juan carlos castillo fuentes