Mar 25, 2011

IN THE THICK OF REALITY: ¨What my husband hadn't counted on was the fact that his same-sex attraction issues belonged entirely to him.¨


¨What my husband hadn't counted on was the fact that his same-sex attraction issues belonged entirely to him. I had nothing to do with them and certainly could not do ONE THING to help in his battle to overcome them.¨

¨I found out my husband was attracted to other men during a two-hour nighttime road trip down a lonely stretch of HWY 30 between Abilene and Fort Worth, Texas. He came clean with me there in the car as he drove.

A Survivors Narrative
¨I remember drawing my knees up to my chest, fighting the urge to cry uncontrollably, while at the same time suppressing the constant gagging reflex to throw up. I can't remember a time when I more longed to be held and rocked by my Daddy than that moment. The pain was so overwhelming, so intense, that I felt dwarfed and small in the face of it.

Thinking back on it takes me to a place I do not like to be. A place from whence I've come that was dark and filled with despair.

For many months after the revelation, I was haunted by the fact that he had been forced to tell me. It was not something he had shared willingly. While he wasn't currently "acting out" or cheating on me at the time of the reveal, my emotional health had disintegrated to the point of near suicide from difficulties in our still new marriage.

It was his former best friend, and best man at our wedding, who forced the issue of his "coming out" to me. This married friend had been in a three-year love affair with my husband prior to our getting married. My husband married me believing he could once and for all overcome his then unwanted attractions and have a successful marriage with me. In his estimation, I was the perfect woman for him. He was probably right about that. However, he was wrong about pretty much every other assumption he had made about marrying me.

What my husband hadn't counted on was the fact that his same-sex attraction issues belonged entirely to him. I had nothing to do with them and certainly could not do ONE THING to help in his battle to overcome them.

This is the message I feel most adamant about when communicating with other women who may find themselves in similar circumstances. Your husband's attractions to other men have absolutely nothing to do with you. There is nothing you can do to make it go away or to make him be sexually attracted to you.

In fact, the more you try to do overt things that you may think will help, the worse the situation will probably become. The very best thing you can do for your husband, in truth, what any wife can do for her husband, is to work on your own emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Then, no matter how your journey proceeds, you're good. If, as in my case, it turns out that your husband determines to identify or re-indentify as gay, you can walk away a stronger, more loving, tolerant, and understanding individual than you were before. ..read it all, HERE

·  Thanks to Gay Uganda, sidebar
·  Thanks to Pam Ferguson. survivor
·  Thanks to Beyond EXGAY, sidebar

3 comments:

Grandmère Mimi said...

Thanks for posting this moving account, Leonardo.

Please, gay guys, embrace your sexuality. If you cannot, please do not try to go straight at the expense of a straight woman who wants a man to love her as she loves him.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Ah yes, the ¨being responsible¨ and ¨honorable¨ part of our Cub/Boy Scout oath (before the child me was forbidden membership which no-doubt only called for less self-accountability/true itegrity and more hiding and pretend)...I think a great slice of the anger directed against LGBTI equality is the fear that this form of HUMAN RIGHTS may actually call on folks to quit playing pretend and STAND TALL (fully exposed as the authentic people God created us to be)! OMG, think of it, being honest with oneself and those around us too! No more passing for beige when one has levander innards! No more inficting needless pain on others because of cowardliness and betrayl!

Mimi, I´ve seen it many times, over and over..avoiding the blame/shame takes FIRST priority over TRULY caring for loved ones and not using them for cover--covering dreaded truth about ones own sexuality is scary business but, then again, there are OUR beloved friends/family the authentic Bi-sexuals.

Göran Koch-Swahne said...

What Grandmère said!