Jun 13, 2011

Gay Pride Killed The Boogeyman: A terrifying and dangerous specter; hobgoblins, corrupted truth, concealed lies revealed and a self-destructive behavior demise!

WHEW! Who knew?
It was a close call. A scary experience to be a ¨Gay¨ child born inside a body that looked (my older sister said I was ¨adorable¨) like everyone elses body...yes, it´s true, except for a few additions and deletions I was very much like you, and other kids, in a world around me that deeply astounded me.  I was a daily ¨pledge of allegiance¨ swearing, all Americano ¨war baby¨ but I don´t think my interest in the ¨magic of new¨ and my liking of the ¨red, white and blue¨ was  much ¨different¨ than any other childs point of view.  Everything for me as a child was ¨normal¨ and childlike/fascinating and my fastgrowing matched the marks where my parents recorded my upward thrusting on my bedroom closet door (but those marks promising great heigth never made me into a tall heterosexual...oh my!).

My beloved Mother and Father were Republicans. Who could have anticipated that I would come home from Second Grade one day with a ¨All the way with Adalei¨ button pinned to my shirt?
In my young life, every person, every adventure, every new experience was exciting to me. I participated in those very same as other children living experiences however with a slightly off-putting, pride dimming secret of   ¨who was I¨ really and what is that different yet authentic part of/in me that is a bit shadowy?...I wasn´t special as a child but I was different and I knew it too.  I knew my innermost fine tuning and wiring was a little different than most of the you´s outside my front door...most all of the you´s down the block and through the front doors of Grant, Finch, Havermale schools and then onward to Shadle Park and Narbonne high school.

I ran as fast as I could and faster than most would and won the jeweled ¨N¨ at graduation
 I joined the track team (and every other team, club and group) and ran and ran as fast as I could and probably much further than I should have...fast and far away from the finish line of discovering the actual person inside of me. Running seemed good so I did it in all my affairs--I ran away speedily and successfully when people wanted to get too close to me. I sprinted  harder to be an achiever so others wouldn´t be ¨better than¨ me (feeling the slightly defective in me)...sometimes I ran with bottles of beer in me to make me go faster and sometimes drinking slowed me down and I´d come in last last last as the emotionally healthier people ran past, past, past me. Sometimes I ran with my head looking down even when there was no race and I ran into several dead-ends, cement walls and fell face down on the ground.

I always had it.  My secret.  My later to be known as ¨Gay¨ secret.  My innermost extra friendly attraction to people of my same sex secret was always perking along somewhere inside my great passion for life and friendships.  It sometimes expressed itself, but mostly didn´t as I was a tad ¨shy¨ (when it came to sexual matters). I especially liked being a boy into man. I liked girls and women too but it wasn´t with the same deep/bold feelings of brotherhood, of likeness, of glowing admiration and most physical and very personal  identification I knew amongst the gender that was my own-- it wasn´t about sex as a child, it was about the magnetic, and now I think genetic, desire to be amongst/closer to people like me....a powerful magnetic attraction that has lasted my whole life through and never lost power...a natural high voltage continously and automatically recharged by living honestly.

My imagined boogeyman emerged from the shadows of other peoples thinking.  I had believed for a while a lot of shame maiming anti-LGBTI slander...but, one day/night  my own terrified being finally accepted the authentic person that God created in the person of me! I´d been saved from the self-destructive in me.  One more surviving/living example of a hobgoblin turned personal innerghost that was slain and buried in the graveyard of other peoples demands, expectations, ignorance and out right lies.  R.I.P. self-deceiving! Other peoples expectations of what ought be isn´t truthful or right or normal for people like me. I now dance on the grave of injustice, abuse and flat out bigotry.

¨Bless us all, each and every one¨
Thanks be to God for the Gay Pride Life of my ongoing understanding.  Please God, keep the rainbow people parading through my everyday life...all of us, our extended family members, straight and gay and of every political stripe!

Peace be with you


Grandmère Mimi said...

My goodness! What a powerful and moving testimony, Leonardo. Thanks be to God, indeed, that you were set free.

Love and blessings.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Thank you Mimi for your kind words--there are sooo many stories that need to be told for ALL of us to fully understand one another and reality-- LGBTI and Heterosexual Women and everyday ¨Straight¨ people need to learn the difference between spouting off nonsense and facing their own fear/hate (that is often generated by bigots at Church and beyond)...¨our stories¨ are important and I love reading yours and you post--I also love the on-goingness of your adventures in life.

Love to you and yours,

susan s. said...

Thank you, Leonardo, for this post. As Mimi says, powerful and moving. Even though I don't comment much, I read every entry here.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Thank you for visiting here...I´m always especially glad to know and see you.


it's margaret said...

Leonardo --I love your colorful honesty. I sit here in Antigua and give thanks to God for you and your incredible vision. God bless you.