Mar 3, 2010

It´s Not Over Until It´s Over: Surgery/fretting and anxious

UPDATE: March 5, 2010


REPRIEVE: Thanks for the kind words of encouragement and support and I´ll tuck them away for another day and promise not to whine when the time comes.

When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. (Job 23.9-10)

Tomorrow I go for a pre-op appointment and quickly, within a day or a few days, will follow up with an eye surgery. I have started fretting about the surgery in recent weeks. I have wonderful doctors (Harvard educated practicing right here in Central America) with fine facilities/equipment and I know I have the wonder and extra blessing of professional care where many folks have no medical care at all. This is to be the fifth operation on my left eye, the last one was six months ago when they removed my natural lense and added some silicon oil...we´ve been waiting for my scar tissue to strengthen and it appears my Retina and Cornea are in first rate, now, soon, the Doctors will remove the silicon oil and install a new lense for me. Fret, fret, fret.

Over the past months I´ve sometimes been quite disoriented with my full-blur in one eye and a uncorrected near sightedness in the other...I think of it as practicing for being really old as I lunge into door frames, miss my mouth, pour lavishly but miss containers, squint with one eye to do my artwork and type/blog my heart out using a Spanish keyboard and making lots of mistakes (it´s been a wonderful help even though I get quite passionate on various subjects of life and death for LGBT Anglicans/others in Uganda and beyond). I´ve found that I function quite well but get tired very quickly, take lots of naps, have gained weight as a result of, little physical exercise (Gymless=Plumpness), my tendency to stay closer to home/bed while nursing myself tenderly.

Today I read my friend Tims entry at ¨Straight Friendly¨ blog...Tim, you´ve hit the nail on the head for me and I feel refreshed in spirit after reading your words that have given me a opportunity to stand back and STOP the ¨frets and moans¨ and accept the things that I can not change. Powerlessness has always been the state/place where I see God (invisibly) best and I feel assured that it is now, again, an opportunity to walk with God more confidently. Thank you Tim, I badly need your words and the all-inclusive/loving-influence of people like you and OUR God in my everyday life. Lord, hear my prayer

¨...Absolutely nothing about worry prolongs or improves life. Indeed, it has the opposite effect. Anxious excitement is a thief that steals everything fine and good in us: our confidence, joy, imagination, courage, and companionability. Worst of all, it convinces us there’s honor in becoming excitement junkies. We start believing our constant frets and moans prove we’re deeply invested in our predicaments, when we’re actually milking them for excitement. On some level, we perceive our agitated state as a sign of importance. No matter what “we” do, “they” just won’t get it together. What would become of the excitement bingers among us if their problems all worked out. What would they do?...¨ HERE

This is Tim´s NEW Book, click HERE for details

·Thanks to Tim Wolfe
·Thanks to Straight-Friendly Blog, sidebar
·Thanks to ¨Gay Believers Life in Christ¨


motheramelia said...

I'm sure you'll be thrilled with your new lens. I have them in both eyes (cataracts 20 years ago) and see so much better than I did before. I was sooo nearsighted that I could see nothing without thick glasses. It's wonderful to be able to go out in the rain with no glasses on and to swim and be able to find the shore or the edge of the pool. The surgery itself was quite painless. Just meant no leaning forward or lifting heavy objects for a couple of weeks afterwards. Of course your underlying issue is different, but I'm just saying the lens thing is great.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Thanks Mother Amelia, that´s quite reassuring and I really like knowing about your experience...good, gives me added courage as I´m really not a good sport/courageous guy thinking about going under the knife (again)!


Tim said...

Leonardo, I'm overwhelmed. Thank you so much for your kind words and mentioning the book--you're far too generous!

But more than anything I'm deeply touched. As one blogger to another, you know the feeling of writing your heart out and hoping your words land where they're most needed. This post was actually later getting online than usual, because I was really struggling with the "what's the use" demon that resurfaces from time to time. It was a real test and I had no idea where it came from.

Dear friend, without your knowing it, you have been used to prove the post's point. Not until I let my concerns go and pushed ahead was I able to see my worries were pointless. God always has a way of doing this for us.

You're in my prayers as you embark on this new adventure in sight. I have every confidence you'll be seeing things so much better very soon!


Leonardo Ricardo said...

Hi Tim, Thanks for dropping by and it´s very interesting but as my nerves start to mount I rethink your blog message...quietly my fears are slipping away...I hope they disappear entirely as I´m a very creative fellow with such a imagination and I know that the giver of that imagination wants me to use it for POSITIVE things.

Un Abrazo fuerte and GOOD LUCK with the NEW book!


P.S. I´m still working on the ¨love them/haters anyway¨ concept that you, Bishop Robinson and God suggest (strongly)...but, it´s amazing I think I can, there is a glimpse of kindness on my horizon and a bit of compassion too (these suckers are scared out of their minds).

Brian R said...

You are in my prayers, Leo.

it's margaret said...

God bless you dear brother. May you find and know that peace which passes all understanding --and may all things be bright and beautiful in you sight again.

You are in my prayers.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

NO SURGERY UNTIL THE WEEK AFTER SEMANA SANTA! Reprieve, and I really was glad to hear it but my six months (after the last surgery) is Holy, the Doctor asked me if he should reopen the clinic and do my surgery around 3:00 of Good Friday...I told him that it would be better for me after the GLORIA (not before) anyway, so there it is and thank you for the kind words and notes that came directly to me via e-mail...back to work, Captain ¨squint¨ paints again!

Love to all

Göran Koch-Swahne said...

Prayers for you operation, dearest Leonardo!

Tim said...

Leonardo, dropped by to get an update on your surgery. Glad you've got some extra time before it happens. I continue to uphold you in my thoughts and prayers. Your brother, Tim.