Dec 14, 2011

Thirty-three years sober: Yesterday was the anniversary of when I screamed out to God for HELP (I was drunk)

Miracles happen. 

Mine was a doozie, but, as my friend Suzanne taught me later,
woozie was/is a word, and woozie, doozie and extra boozie is exactly where I was when my moment of miraculous detox/liberation and journey into reality=sobriety began. 

It´s true. I was rolling around on the living room floor (having a cocktail or twelve with my dogs) in the late night/early morning trying to drink enough vodka to go back to bed when I finally thought I was a gonner because I´d never felt so lost and so sad.  I was going to kill myself (besides drinking myself to death) because I couldn´t take the emotional and physical strain of it ALL anymore. There was one problem, if I killed myself, I would be dead. 

I was ¨sick and tired of being sick and tired¨ everyday and then medicating myself with booze in the afternoon (lunch drinks didn´t count) to go out and play and play at night. I was very sick, but I went to work everyday, had a good job, lived in a nice duplex in a very ¨good¨ part of Los Angeles, however, I wanted to die and I knew that anyone that I may want to love wouldn´t ever want to love me (blubber, blubber, blubber)!  The fact was, although I was only 35years old I had been drinking heavily/alcoholicly since college daze/days and I was at the ¨dropping off place¨ (you´ll know it when you get there or if you´ve already slipped down, down, down near the edge) in my young life.

Somehow, and I don´t know why, I was reminded of a flicker of light place still blinking inside of me (but it´s battery was burning out).  I remember connecting to the deepest most ¨still alive¨ place and thinking ¨that is the good inside of me and I want it back¨!  I didn´t know why my innermost good was almost gone but it was running on empty...I was on empty but I wanted another chance to get me back and fill up with life again...I cried out to God to ¨save me from this¨ and God did.  That was early in the morning on December 13, 1978 and I didn´t drink anymore as I staggered up to bed.

Thanks be to God I was given the chance to let reality begin, and it did, reality gradually seeped in and I was given a seat in the very center seat of the front row of my´s been a thriller (so far).

Leonardo Ricardo
Leonard Richard
Sacatapequez, Guatemala
Central America

· Thanks be to God
· Thanks to Ardythe and Leonard, RIP
· Thanks to Danny and Danny, RIP
· Thanks to Lillian E., RIP
· Thanks to Bill W. and Dr. Bob, RIP
· Thanks to Mary L.
· Thanks to Mary E. RIP
· Thanks to Jerry J.
· Thanks to Butch, RIP
· Thanks to Thomas P.
· Thanks to Ron W.


Grandmère Mimi said...

Len, I rejoice with you on your anniversary. I rejoice that the tiny light of life was present and God reached down to save you when you cried out. May God bless you and keep you.

Brian R said...

Congratulations on the anniversary. So glad you cried out to God and received an answer.

JCF said...

And thanks to Bill W? ;-)

Blessings & SERENITY, Leonardo!

Anonymous said...

Yes, Bill W. for sure but I´m a Dr. Bob kinda recovering know, keepint ¨it¨ simple and all.


Kirkepiscatoid said...

Happy birthday! Thanks be to God for this day. I believe your choice allowed you to stay alive and be the wonderful person of the blogosphere I've come to know and love!

Calamity Jane said...

Happy Anniversary Leonardo. I'm glad you called out to God because now God calls to others through your blog.

Mona said...

Happy Birthday, Leonardo. Glad you went searching for your inner goodness. Well done. We've all benefitted by knowing you.

No God, no peace -- know God, know peace.

motheramelia said...

Blessings on your anniversary. Some day I hope to have the privilege of meeting you face to face. I really appreciate your blog. Izzie wishes Honey (and all your doggies) a very merry as well.

rwattonville said...

Haven't had a drink since I met you, so we may be equally thankful towards each other. It seems to me that sharing is what is happening, not something we "do" or "don't do", You should see the group you & Tom Pauly started now. The Serenity Mafia having nearly killed off their group is now trying to take over at Stella Maris. So far, mercifully their "success" is less than complete. The latest rat to leave the sinking ship is Bob McCarroll, obnoxious as ever.

Anonymous said...

I don´t know when it was...I mean what year of sobriety it was when I became aware of the saying ¨What do you get when a Bank Robber gets sober? A sober Bank Robber¨ (no doubt about it, the magic wand of sobriety sometimes doesn´t change a thing if people are not willing to be honest with themselves and others...just my observation as one who has thousands of ¨bank robbers¨ it seems).


Leonardo Ricardo said...

Ooops, ¨has KNOWN thousands of bank robbers it seems¨ (it´s true, don´t get too gushy, squishy, feely, trusty just because you´re amongst clean and sober folk)

still lurking said...

Congrats on 12,045 days of continuous sobriety@(give or take a few for leap years and such!) God Bless.
yours in fellowship,
Mark in SoCal

Leonardo Ricardo said...

12,045 (give or take) days of no hangover...that in itself is quite a relief after suffering through days that sometimes made me feel I had died already but was gasping for air (all the time trying to act normal so people wouldn´t know I was dead)! YIKES!