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21 minutes ago
|The way I see things makes the world be things|
I feel drawn to write/blog a few of my recent thoughts/feeling.
I have always lived beyond the boundries of what I was expected to see and who I was expected to be. As a child my mind drifted far away into the vastness of not knowing, into trying to make sense out of infinity. Often I tell my Summer stories of sleeping in the outdoors and staring up at the stars...then beyond the stars. I sometimes wondered how it could be that I didn't know where infinity would end? Then, what space or place would come next? Beyond the finish of infinity scared me a little. It wasn't the not knowing that frightened me it was the stark understanding that I was so physically present when gazing into the BIG *it* The BIGNESS and who, why. what, where and WHEN of it all! Would I fall in or jump in? Would I be blindfolded and do a back flip into wherever there was?
Early in my childhood I realized I was *different* than others. I knew I had longings of the larger than life variety and I knew I was a person with different longings than most of you-s. What was the spell binding thing that took me far away? What was the close-inside-of-me place lusting for space in my own safe backyard? Why did I have the built-in freedom to imagine such beautiful and colorful things that were both real and not-yet-seen in my early life? Was I different, foggy or the same? I now think it was the extra romancing of the possibilities of life that was perking inside of me. My life and my eagerness to know about yours too. Silently I decided what I must do, both with and without your approval. Very early I discovered things were, in fact, not what they seemed to be (or ought be?)...my reality and imagination went wild in a good way as I played and romped and laughed and fished and planted and tasted every little attraction to be had around me. I snuggled up to life. As a child I was fearless. Life liked me back (mostly). I always knew that in order to thrive I would need to operate both in and outside of the box, the boundries, the rules, the shame game the snear and those wavy ¨good¨ lines. Infinity gave me permission to go as far as life would take me which meant way past the end of it in my minds eye.
Infinity has, it does, it will and I thank the God of my vivid understanding. I thank that same wonderdrenched God for letting me share life with all of you. Some more than others, some closer up than others. Now and before now it is you who still shine brightly for me dead or alive. You are still there and here and I know who you are even from afar...you validate my innermost passion for life and you have not gone far away from my heart. I kiss you back.
I love you
Leonard Clark Beardsley